Convergence: A Coming Together

We are circling, circling together
We are singing, singing our heartsong
This is family, this is unity
This is celebration, this is sacred

"I bend but do not break." -- Jean de la Fontaine

I often discover in my travels that the emotions I am having, though seemingly complex, can be very simply explained in one or two words. Before Convergence, the words Reluctance, Discomfort, Isolation, and FEAR were coming up a lot. Through the course of the event, I began to realize that nearly all of the causes of negativity in my life were reactions to my fearful emotions rather than conscious choices or external conditions. At the beginning of this trip I was feeling very uptight, resistant to every new experience, and fearful over every uncertainty. I was fighting a lot for a sense of identity, becoming very possessive over what was mine and what was not, and not actually feeling any better if things went my way. So I began urging myself to OPEN UP and allow new experiences to happen as they should. Since single words are so effective at explaining what is going on inside me, I often choose one-word affirmations or even short phrases as mantras to focus on during a particular time period. These mantras are like little goals, set to support me in my intentions of living a loving and joyful existence instead of dwelling on the struggle within. I find that I don't actually need the mantras very long, perhaps a few days to a week--just long enough to keep me moving positively through an issue until the next word strikes me. Here are some of the mantras I have used since this trip started:

 Manifest the soul
 Only the stillness in you can perceive the silence outside
 Another I is beginning
 The world was made to be free in
 Die to the past every moment
 Burn the maps and GO
 Compassion and Compromise
 Love is greater than Fear
 I would rather be me than anyone.
 Every little heartbeat, every little breath
  My body is a temple
 Expansion
 LET GO
 Cultivate
 There is no elsewhere
 Ease, lightness, balance
 Solidarity, trust, unity (oneness)
 Big YES
 Nothing is MINE
 Flexibility, Gentleness, Grace
 Speak your Truth
 Gratefulness
BE HERE NOW

By the time we reached Convergence, I was ready to speed up the gradual growth process and make a big leap forward.
One day at the festival, I was feeling a bit out of sorts, wandering aimlessly around, trying to decide which workshop to go to. Neal was at the Yoga posture clinic, learning how to perfect his positions, which sounded useful...Or there was Woolcrafting, where I could finally learn how to card and felt wool, which is so my bag, baby. Suddenly, I heard music coming from the Main Marquee. I instinctively followed the flowing rhythms inside and saw a small group of people dancing like nobody was watching. I stood at the entryway for just a moment...then without thinking I removed my shoes and coat and joined the dancers. Despite how much I love dancing (which is a lot), it is always a bit awkward at first to get comfortable moving freely in a public space. I was stepping back and forth and waving my arms in the air self-consciously, wondering if I had picked the right workshop after all, when I happened to glance behind myself and see a few more people standing uncertainly in the doorway. They looked as though all they wanted was
to take off all their clothes and let go, but they just didn't have the gumption. I felt for those people, and suddenly I decided that I wanted to show them just what a wonderful feeling it was to move with the needs of the body and nothing else. I wanted to welcome them into a loving and nonjudgmental space, so they could find their rhythm as well. And then I turned around and began to dance. I focused not on a certain style, but which part of my body needed moving. I stretched and twirled and bent down to the ground, pounding my feet into the earth with the drumbeat, arching my back, swaying my head. The music kept changing, getting faster and faster, sometimes becoming electronic and technical and other times sounding like guttural throat noises or jovial reed flutes. I experimented with how my body interpreted the sounds, sometimes jolting my body into one stiff position after another, other times jumping up and down with seemingly unlimited energy. Every once in awhile I would find myself dancing with someone else, and we would unconsciously mold our dance styles to complement one another's until the rhythms drew us elsewhere. The music urged us on, speeding up more, until we formed a huge chaotic frenzy of movement, unable to distinguish whose arms and legs were whose.  I have no idea what I looked like at this point, and I am fairly certain it would have been  quite comical out of context (or in context), but I also know that I felt
more alive than I had in a long time. My breath came hard and fast, and my blood was pumping life with every beat. I was like a ball of light, burning furiously... YES!! ...and then the music began to slow down...the beats became farther apart...the notes became deeper and more drawn out...we all made one big sweeping motion with our arms, and drew in a deep collective breath. WHEWWWwwww..... I was vaguely aware that where there had once been a small group of people, now the room was packed with bodies and pulsing energy almost visibly outward.We lay down. I was focused, centered, vibrating. I meditated, bringing the powerful energy into myself and sending it outward in waves of Love. I Opened Up.

We are circling, circling together
We are singing, singing our heartsong
This is family, this is unity
This is celebration, this is sacred

After my inspirational dance experience, I made the decision that I was going to say YES to any opportunity that came my way, ESPECIALLY if it evoked my fearfulness. It would be an experiment to see if my fears were actually doing me any good or just holding me back. I decided to keep up with it until I could fully act without fear. Don't worry, parents, no-fear doesn't mean no-sense, in fact it means pushing past irrationality into a place of truth. I started right away. I let go of everything, since nothing is really mine in the first place. I gave away possessions, I let people eat my food, I climbed the big rock, I let go of money's false security...and the list is continuing.

The last night of Convergence, I sat in the sauna for a very long time, focusing on the experiences of the past several days and preparing myself to rejoin the outside world. I sent out a prayer that my heart remain open, and I do my best to maintain these loving feelings in even the most challenging of times. I became comfortable with emptiness, with openness, with vulnerability, knowing that by doing so I was making room for Love
to enter in. I marveled at my power as a human being, and I wondered at what miracles would be available to me in my centered state, with so many wise and beautiful people around me to take comfort in. I vowed to speak my truth at all times, and also to continue looking for ways to love more.

Open Up, No Fear, Laid Bare, Power, Expansion, Lightness, Fullness, LOVE.
"The will of God will never take us where the grace of God cannot sustain us." --Peter Feddema

When I was ready, I walked outside naked under the moon, smiling, gasping, arms wide. I waded into the water, and I dove into the deep black darkness.