Convergence: A Coming Together

We are circling, circling together
We are singing, singing our heartsong
This is family, this is unity
This is celebration, this is sacred

"I bend but do not break." -- Jean de la Fontaine

I often discover in my travels that the emotions I am having, though seemingly complex, can be very simply explained in one or two words. Before Convergence, the words Reluctance, Discomfort, Isolation, and FEAR were coming up a lot. Through the course of the event, I began to realize that nearly all of the causes of negativity in my life were reactions to my fearful emotions rather than conscious choices or external conditions. At the beginning of this trip I was feeling very uptight, resistant to every new experience, and fearful over every uncertainty. I was fighting a lot for a sense of identity, becoming very possessive over what was mine and what was not, and not actually feeling any better if things went my way. So I began urging myself to OPEN UP and allow new experiences to happen as they should. Since single words are so effective at explaining what is going on inside me, I often choose one-word affirmations or even short phrases as mantras to focus on during a particular time period. These mantras are like little goals, set to support me in my intentions of living a loving and joyful existence instead of dwelling on the struggle within. I find that I don't actually need the mantras very long, perhaps a few days to a week--just long enough to keep me moving positively through an issue until the next word strikes me. Here are some of the mantras I have used since this trip started:

 Manifest the soul
 Only the stillness in you can perceive the silence outside
 Another I is beginning
 The world was made to be free in
 Die to the past every moment
 Burn the maps and GO
 Compassion and Compromise
 Love is greater than Fear
 I would rather be me than anyone.
 Every little heartbeat, every little breath
  My body is a temple
 Expansion
 LET GO
 Cultivate
 There is no elsewhere
 Ease, lightness, balance
 Solidarity, trust, unity (oneness)
 Big YES
 Nothing is MINE
 Flexibility, Gentleness, Grace
 Speak your Truth
 Gratefulness
BE HERE NOW

By the time we reached Convergence, I was ready to speed up the gradual growth process and make a big leap forward.
One day at the festival, I was feeling a bit out of sorts, wandering aimlessly around, trying to decide which workshop to go to. Neal was at the Yoga posture clinic, learning how to perfect his positions, which sounded useful...Or there was Woolcrafting, where I could finally learn how to card and felt wool, which is so my bag, baby. Suddenly, I heard music coming from the Main Marquee. I instinctively followed the flowing rhythms inside and saw a small group of people dancing like nobody was watching. I stood at the entryway for just a moment...then without thinking I removed my shoes and coat and joined the dancers. Despite how much I love dancing (which is a lot), it is always a bit awkward at first to get comfortable moving freely in a public space. I was stepping back and forth and waving my arms in the air self-consciously, wondering if I had picked the right workshop after all, when I happened to glance behind myself and see a few more people standing uncertainly in the doorway. They looked as though all they wanted was
to take off all their clothes and let go, but they just didn't have the gumption. I felt for those people, and suddenly I decided that I wanted to show them just what a wonderful feeling it was to move with the needs of the body and nothing else. I wanted to welcome them into a loving and nonjudgmental space, so they could find their rhythm as well. And then I turned around and began to dance. I focused not on a certain style, but which part of my body needed moving. I stretched and twirled and bent down to the ground, pounding my feet into the earth with the drumbeat, arching my back, swaying my head. The music kept changing, getting faster and faster, sometimes becoming electronic and technical and other times sounding like guttural throat noises or jovial reed flutes. I experimented with how my body interpreted the sounds, sometimes jolting my body into one stiff position after another, other times jumping up and down with seemingly unlimited energy. Every once in awhile I would find myself dancing with someone else, and we would unconsciously mold our dance styles to complement one another's until the rhythms drew us elsewhere. The music urged us on, speeding up more, until we formed a huge chaotic frenzy of movement, unable to distinguish whose arms and legs were whose.  I have no idea what I looked like at this point, and I am fairly certain it would have been  quite comical out of context (or in context), but I also know that I felt
more alive than I had in a long time. My breath came hard and fast, and my blood was pumping life with every beat. I was like a ball of light, burning furiously... YES!! ...and then the music began to slow down...the beats became farther apart...the notes became deeper and more drawn out...we all made one big sweeping motion with our arms, and drew in a deep collective breath. WHEWWWwwww..... I was vaguely aware that where there had once been a small group of people, now the room was packed with bodies and pulsing energy almost visibly outward.We lay down. I was focused, centered, vibrating. I meditated, bringing the powerful energy into myself and sending it outward in waves of Love. I Opened Up.

We are circling, circling together
We are singing, singing our heartsong
This is family, this is unity
This is celebration, this is sacred

After my inspirational dance experience, I made the decision that I was going to say YES to any opportunity that came my way, ESPECIALLY if it evoked my fearfulness. It would be an experiment to see if my fears were actually doing me any good or just holding me back. I decided to keep up with it until I could fully act without fear. Don't worry, parents, no-fear doesn't mean no-sense, in fact it means pushing past irrationality into a place of truth. I started right away. I let go of everything, since nothing is really mine in the first place. I gave away possessions, I let people eat my food, I climbed the big rock, I let go of money's false security...and the list is continuing.

The last night of Convergence, I sat in the sauna for a very long time, focusing on the experiences of the past several days and preparing myself to rejoin the outside world. I sent out a prayer that my heart remain open, and I do my best to maintain these loving feelings in even the most challenging of times. I became comfortable with emptiness, with openness, with vulnerability, knowing that by doing so I was making room for Love
to enter in. I marveled at my power as a human being, and I wondered at what miracles would be available to me in my centered state, with so many wise and beautiful people around me to take comfort in. I vowed to speak my truth at all times, and also to continue looking for ways to love more.

Open Up, No Fear, Laid Bare, Power, Expansion, Lightness, Fullness, LOVE.
"The will of God will never take us where the grace of God cannot sustain us." --Peter Feddema

When I was ready, I walked outside naked under the moon, smiling, gasping, arms wide. I waded into the water, and I dove into the deep black darkness.

An update from the Queenstown mansion

What a journey it's been. So much has happened in the past 2 months since my last post. It has been one hell of an adventure filled with love, laughter, new friends, old friends, chaos, reflection, Hare Krishnas, conspiracy theories, beaches, mountains, glaciers, sunsets, arrests, earthquakes, landslides, naked hippies, and the list goes on. Recapping everything seems to be too daunting of a task so I will quickly touch on a few experiences that stand out. The journey will begin and end on the west coast, where New Zealand meets the Tasman Sea. From my first swim at Sunset Beach, to my last swim in Haast.

Along the journey I've experienced:

1) 11/11/11. Ever since I was a kid I wondered where I would be on this day. I never could have imagined I'd be in New Zealand at one of the Maori's most sacred places to experience my first Hongi (a tradition involving a maori family inviting new people to their land, their Marae, and allowing them to be part of the whanau, or family). It was such a powerful experience to be welcomed into the family so traditionally. After the ceremony it is tradition to greet each person by touching your nose and forehead to theirs, and breathing in deeply. This greeting is also called a Hongi and is associated with the connection of the third eye and crown chakras and is usually accompanied with the greeting, "Kia Ora" (hello, be well). The crown chakra connection is considered to be a greeting to the ancestors who came before. Later that night after the ceremony, I was invited to experience my first Native American sweat with Lakota John from the Lakota tribe. Another amazingly powerful experience which began under my first full moon in New Zealand at exactly 11:11.

2) The sound of the rocks atop Mount Ngauruhoe (Mount Doom) vibrating under my feet as the polarity of the encroaching storm began to pull on them, forcing Siri and I to quickly make our way down the active volcano through the clouds and hail, leaving behind the steady breath of steam from Mount Doom's crater.

3) The feeling of the wind holding me upright as I test its strength while floating through the
magnificent Marlborough Sounds ON A BOAT.

4) Being picked up randomly at a train station in Blenheim, after discussing what to do next, by a man named Peter who asked me, "Am I here to pick you up?" Not expecting a ride I responded, "I don't know." He then asked, "Are you Neal?" And it was at that point we realized he was our next CouchSurfing host. A good example of syncronicity.

5) Watching in the rain as Nelson's 50-year flood pulled a hillside down slowly to my feet, cracking massive trees in half like toothpicks as it moved.

6) My first earthquake, and then my second and then my third. Although due to my ability to sleep through virtually anything I experienced the second two subconsciously.

7) Being gifted a nice bar of soap for Christmas and showing my gratitude while at the same time wondering if I smell like a dirty backpacker.

8) Going for a swim in the Motueka River after working in the hot sun with a 70 year old friend only to turn around and realize he's fully naked.

9) Full-on chaos... I'll let Siri explain.

10) Waking up on the Abel Tasman trail, after 2 full days of hiking,to our own small, beautiful, secluded beach, only to be interrupted after a couple hours by a huge tour boat unloading tourists fully equipped with 'to go cappuccinos,' flip flops, cameras, and grocery bags.

11) Being pulled over on the way to Takaka Hill with part of our Ruby Bay family, only to find out that our Hare Krishna Conspiracy Theorist friend doesn't have a registered car, or an ID, because he doesn't need them. It was at this point I had three thoughts: "You've got to be kidding me," "Is this really happening," and "Here we go." Throughout the rest of the experience I find out he doesn't believe he is a "driver" or a "person," his birthday is arbitrary because he "doesn't know when he popped out," and he doesn't have an address, or a name. Needless to say, this refusal to cooperate resulted in his arrest. He was pulled away with a smile on his face and we were left stranded with all our stuff, a crazy German builder and a 17 year old Australian kid and no clue where we were. We found out later he was a "Freeman," which is someone who refuses to subscribe to societal rules, good on him. We also found out later that he got out of jail within the hour and returned to the house on a motorcycle. Rock on.

Then there was Convergence Festival, a full on "break from reality" fest. I guess you would call it a spiritual, holistic, community love fest equipped with a sauna, swimming holes (which apparently attract mass amounts of public nudity), amazing people, lots of love, workshops, music, shamanic journeys I will forever remember, and more love. Toward the end of Convergence I had a very powerful meditative experience that inspired me to write the following letter on the nearest piece of paper. It should sum up my experience at Convergence. I have to admit I have never been able to write so quickly, while at the same time been able to articulate the thoughts in my head so clearly and precisely. When I finished and set my pen down, I was confronted by a lady asking to use the pen. I truly had no idea she was standing next to me and she caught me by surprise. When I turned to respond my heart began beating so intensely in a way I can only compare to an adrenaline rush. The lady then asked if I was ok and said, "I like the energy in this room," and proceeded to sit down next to me with her legs crossed, her eyes closed, and her hands on her knees. This is what it said:

• More than ever before all the infinite forms of life on this planet are in distress. Every part of our human selves is in pain, emotional, physical, social, environmental, and spiritual pain. Our surroundings, our necessities for life, our resources are being pulled right out from underneath us and we feel hopeless, at times. We feel hopeless at a time when we need hope more than ever. Convergence is that hope, that Love, that unity and purity that is in every one of us. It is these things that will save the life force on this planet and bring it back into balance as it should be. After all it is not until you hit the bottom that you see the light and gather to create a collective will, a collective energy, a collective consciousness that is pure and rich and more powerful than any cancer that plagues us now. What we have here gives me so much hope to keep fighting, expanding and moving foward in a direction of enlightenment. The unconditional love here gives me the power to confront all the negative energies I encounter, and I hope for the ability to change those negative, erratic frequencies into the soothing, peaceful rythm of life and love. We are circling together in so many different ways and this family, this unity, is so unbelievably sacred. Let us not forget this and go back out into the world with the power and tools to help prepare ourselves and the rest of humanity and life on this planet for a brighter future overflowing with that life blood we are all craving so intensely, that LOVE.

The Convergence experience ended with the start of an amazing journey with our new friend Ami in our new hybrid Toyota we somehow manifested. The three of us drove straight to the beautiful, majestic west coast, stopping only for a little hike through a maze of limestone cliffs and an hour spelunk through a cave filled to our knees with running water. The road trip down the west coast consisted of beautiful beaches, killer mosquitos, playing chicken with the Tasman Sea's massive waves and staring at the reflection in a pond of the sun setting on the magnificent Fox Glacier and beautiful Southern Alps. The last night of the road trip I had a moment of reflection and immense feelings of gratitude while standing alone under the nearly full moon watching as the waves crashed to shore under my feet. The greenstone-filled beach rumbled and breathed with each wave pushing and pulling at the shore line, and the scent of the warm driftwood fire burning behind me. It was my heartfelt farewell to the Tasman Sea and all its beauty and power.

So here we are, in our very own mansion overlooking Queenstown and its surrounding mountains and lake, free of charge. I never could have imagined this adventure would have led me here and I can't help but feel blessed as I look out the window at a sunset a photograph couldn't even explain. I have experienced and learned so much in the last couple months, it has been truly expansive. This trip has been full of self realizations, spiritual awakenings, beauty, and adventure.

Thank you to all of you who have helped me and supported me on this journey. I am full of humbleness and gratitude.

Cheers