THAILAND THROUGH A LENS

One full day = One bad sun burn

So beautiful

Don't smile, there's nothing to be happy about.

View above Karon Beach.

Boat ride to Koh Phi Phi.

Above Kho Phi Phi after a morning run.

Above Kho Phi Phi.

The standard Thailand marketing tool, secluded right?

What it's really like, just to the right of the previous photo.

These signs were everywhere, for good reason of course.

I've got nothing to say for this one.

Awe, so cute. Now look to the right. Ooh, not so cute.

Our sweet jungle bungalow.

Just another day at Ton Sai.

Above Railey East with Ton Sai in the distance. We hiked to this viewpoint with a couple from Durango.

The slippery hike down to the cove. So hard core.

Now pose.

Siri and her artistic ingenuity.

At the bottom of the cove. A couple hundred feet down.

The hike out.

"HELP ME, I'M SERIOUS!"

Deep water solo trip, Siri is on her way up.

It's harder than it looks, trust me.

An epic day.

What a loser.

Stunning views everywhere you look.

The start of the trip home. After a day of climbing at Escher Wall Siri and I worked our way through this cave which was a short cut back to Ton Sai.

Inside the amphitheater.

Over looking Phra Nang Beach.

At the other end of the cave was a 60 foot rappel. Ton Sai to the left and Railey West to the right.

Aww!

The Andaman Sea.

Siri climbing the stalactites.

Our friends.
The bridge to the island at Suan Mokkh Monastery.

The meditation hall where we spent most of our time. What you can't see in the photo is the construction project just to the left. Is it hopeless for an amateur to try and meditate with saws, hammers, drills, and other random whines and whistles going on 100 yards away?

Our last day at the beach in Thailand. Looking out at the Gulf of Thailand.

The rented moped.

Siri and our good friend Thong.

The food stalls were everywhere, these were by far the best.

The Jungle Has Spoken

First, the spies-- tiny drones coming to gather our genetic information, sneaking in to even the most carefully masked sanctuaries, and leaving behind the burning sense that no place is truly safe. 

Then, the scavengers. Large armies of precise and well-informed soldiers, infiltrating every unguarded nook and cranny and stealing away with any crumb that might go unnoticed. Eventually, the slower but larger thieves of anything left carelessly unsecured, never to be seen again.

The mind games. Hours of constant piercing locust whistles at high decibels, running in shifts. Monkeys inching ever closer to the windows, their opposable thumbs twitching and teasing our flimsy barricades. Some shadow creature eating our soap at night, just a few nibbles at a time. The constant, seeping moistness slowly and methodically overtaking any exposed pages or tight spaces. 

The ever-watching eyes. The threatening calls of the frogs right outside the door, and the loud barking alarm of the gecko at any sign of our attempts to escape.

It is enough to drive a person mad.

Finally, a warning: A few small and very carefully placed piles of dung left on our doorstep to be discovered in the morning, every morning, the perpetrator long since hidden...but always watching.

Nothing is secure. Nothing is safe.

The jungle has spoken.

So here we are in Tonsai, Thailand, an isolated climber Mecca nestled among the sharp limestone rocks separating jungle and sea. We are here with a whole slew of young and shapely tourists from around the world, to spend two weeks seeking adventure in the daytime and sleeping in a moldy bungalow at night. We got here on February 10th after spending our first few days at touristy Karon beach near Phuket (hiking to the Big Buddha, rock scrabbling, and snorkeling), then two days and one crazy night on Phi Phi Island. It is a relief to be away from the crazy dirty pricey chaos of really touristy places, though even here isn't authentic Thailand (and still a bit out of our $15 per day budget). There is so much good climbing here, lots of hiking and exploring, spectacular landscapes and magical jungle. Every day brings a new adventure, and an opportunity to face a fear or push the boundaries of my comfort zone. I am coming to understand Fear as the tangible experience, something which can be tasted, touched, smelled, examined and understood from all angles. I am becoming more accustomed to the experience of my own fear, and this acquaintance process is helping me to be more comfortable in any situation (though it probably doesn't help my social prospects much when I smell this bad). I am learning that the best kind of fun is a mixed feeling of excitement and apprehension, where I want to go forward and backward at the same time. We went on a day hike to a lagoon, which I had not been informed would involve several hours of climbing up and down nearly vertical mudslides with nothing but a slimy rope and sharp rocks to hold on to. I was in flip flops and a white t-shirt. A few others turned back, but we made it, and it was breathtaking. Once we finally got back into civilization I was sweaty and covered head to toe in streaks of red mud, my hair disheveled and my arms sore. I felt like a jungle warrior. The next day we went deep water solo climbing with a local outfit. We were taken by boat to some cliffs rising out of the ocean, and given some wet shoes and moldy snorkels. We swam to the ladder dangling over the water and climbed on the slippery rocks until we lost our strength or slipped and fell into the water below. At first I was nearly paralyzed by the height of the rocks and uncertain about my arm strength after the previous day's trials, but by the end I was climbing harder routes than I had ever tried before and jumping from 20 feet or more. I have always been fearful of heights, but another day I rappelled myself for the first time off of a 20-meter high cave mouth, and became familiar with the feeling of lowering myself backward into an abyss of air and emptiness. I climbed up a cliff on a bamboo ladder and walked along a rim of no more than a few feet, looking at the 400 foot drop to the rocky waters below. I climbed higher and higher, without stopping or falling even when the jagged rocks cut into my fingers and knees. Each day brings a lesson in letting go and holding on. I let go of my fears and mind games, my expectations, my doubts, my sense of self and its limitations. I hold on to the rock, and nothing else.

Neal has talked to me of climbing as a meditative experience, and I am beginning to understand what he is talking about. The whole sport is about clearing your mind of everything that gets in your way and taking a big step into uncertainty. It is about respecting the forces which are greater than your small body, which transcend the minor issues of daily life and give a taste of purity, of truth, of power. Climbing is always a risk, as is everything in life-- nothing is ever truly secure or permanent. The point is to let go of that need for security, the hand grasping at something solid and unchanging, and to trust instead in the mystery itself (Grace). Focus only on this one moment, the Here and the Now, nothing else, and if you do that, then your thoughts disappear and there is silence. In that silent emptiness you realize that there is nothing left to fear, and you just float right up the mountain. 

In between climbs and other adventures, I have been reading a book about a woman called Peace Pilgrim. From the 1950s to the 80s she traveled across America on foot, with no money and no possessions except the clothes on her back. She only ate when food was provided, only spoke to those who approached her, and slept where she lay down. Within a few years she was booked at speaking engagements across the country, at churches and universities and house parties, speaking about the path to inner (and eventually global) peace. She was a very spiritual person, though she didn't associate with any particular religion or practice. Her own journey to inner peace took her fifteen years, with a lot of ups and downs and a few big leaps. She discovered that her life had become burdened by too much materialism and needless responsibility, and she slowly abandoned that way of life. She taught the importance of bringing one's life down to Need level, and speaking one's own inner truth. I came by this book by chance, when some unnamed friend left it for me to find in my backpack, and it has been a source of constant inspiration and upliftment ever since. It supports my attempts to set my fears aside and gives me tools to live each moment with love, intention, and gratitude. Peace Pilgrim says that it is a misconception that fear is necessary in our lives, and that good sense can do the same job without the baggage. She also says that no problem ever comes to you that does not have a purpose in your life, and that it is important to have a meaningful attitude in your actions, or else you will suffer. If you live by the laws that govern all of nature, your life will be simple and at ease. "God is always reaching toward people (grace). With your own free will, reach back (faith)." This path sounds (and is) really simple, but it requires a lot of letting go, and letting go of things which may appear to bring comfort and gratification for the sake of higher joys. Just like in climbing and meditation, you must shed all of these layers which obscure the truth and lay yourself bare for all the universe to see. 

I am inspired! I am on the journey! Can I live this life? Only time will tell, I suppose, but it can't hurt to try. Even if I never become an expert climber, at least I can appreciate the rock beneath my feet, the open air and the unobscured view.

"Inner Peace is where Peace begins."-P.P.

Malaysia, Short and Sweet

It was only a two day layover, but we managed a lot in that short time. We arrived in Kuala Lumpur around midnight and spent the first night in a really cheap, but nice hotel, in what some might consider a bad part of town, surrounded by scantily dressed women trying to make a living and alleyways filled with car-sized piles of rubbish. The next morning, Siri and I ventured out to see the city. On the way to the Petronas Towers we stumbled across a display of extremely powerful photos at the 2011 Photo Competition. They really illustrated how ‘real’ this world can be. The photos were extremely graphic and eye-opening. There were photos of the Mexican drug wars, Haiti earthquakes, recent volcanic eruptions, poverty, and drug abuse—photos that represented everything from death and despair to beauty, love and compassion. When I left that building I had such a penetrating feeling of being human. I felt so close, but so far from those people separated only by a camera’s lens. There was a feeling of deep sorrow and I wondered if it was human nature to do this to each other or if there were some other forces at play here. After Siri and I gathered our thoughts we got up and walked away with a newfound appreciation for how blessed we really are.

Ironically our next stop was the Petronas Towers, which are owned by the Malaysian National Oil Companyand symbolize their vast wealth. We paid our entrance fee and followed the tour guide and the armed guards to the top of the towers. We looked down at the photo gallery and I thought to myself, I have physically separated myself up here from what is down there, but yet I’m still emotionally attached… and here I am, another paying tourist supporting what many consider the primary source of the wealth gap, and possibly the chief cause of the despair I just witnessed in the eyes of so many people in those photos.

As we turned in our security cards and began the trek back to the hotel, we made sure not to speak too openly about our day’s experiences, becausethe police would often walk up and blatantly listen in on our conversations.The punishment associated with this kind of talk can result in jail time. When we returned to the hotel we ate some dinner and had Tim Tams for dessert. After dinner we made our way up to our room and lay down. We reminisced the past day and anticipated the next day’s adventure to Thailand as our conscious minds slowly transitioned to dreams.

Two Days in KL

We stayed in Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia from February 2-4th before heading off to Thailand. We had a fun and slightly sensory-overloaded time in the city, visiting the mall and the gigantic Petronus twin towers, as well as attending a striking photo show with political and personal images from around the world. The time was short but sweet, and here are a few photos of the experience!

New Zealand’s Farewell

New Zealand’s inevitable exit seemed to land before my feet prematurely like most good experiences do. We spent our last few days with some good friends in Wanaka, which was a beautiful little town that reminded me a little of my home in Durango, Colorado. Wanaka was a very windy place but our last night there was exceptional. This night Siri and I decided to take a walk down the deserted country road in the dark with the wind in our faces, and we talked of the wind representing transitions. I tried to comfort Siri and relieve her of her fears of the fast approaching transition we were about to face and the unknown future that lie ahead. I tried to offer comfort and solace not only to her, but to myself as well. There is a certain amount of uncertainty and anxiety that comes with the excitement and thrill of the unknown, and I will be the first to say that, although I enjoy that thrill, I am by no means immune to that anxiety. But it is in the facing of these fears you are able to fully understand what it feels like to be alive and a better understanding of yourself will inescapably result. A short while after our talk we made it back to the house with a new found comfort in the seemingly surreal transition that lay ahead.

The next morning after saying our goodbyes and our thanks to our friends, we were dropped off on the highway to Christchurch with our Malaysia flight only a day away. After about twenty minutes and only three cars we were approached by a bus, and with nothing to lose we stuck our thumbs out. We watched in amazement as the bus began to slow down and come to a stop in front of us. The door opened and friendly looking man asked, “Where to?” “Christchurch,” we responded and with our bags secured underneath we walked up the steps only to find a completely empty bus. We sat down in the seat up front and settled in for the 5 hour drive. After many good talks, and a few detours to see the sights with our private tour guide we were dropped off right out front of another good friends house in Christchurch where we would spend our last night in New Zealand.

The next day we casually explored the earthquake damaged Christchurch only to end up frantically trying to make it to the airport before our plane left without us. We managed to arrive, once again, within minutes of missing the flight. After one last deep breath of New Zealand’s clean, crisp air, I ran into the airport, checked my bag, went through security, then customs, and with one more security check, finally managed to make it to my seat. As the plane taxied I stared past Siri out the window and began to reminisce. The whine of the engines grew louder and with a sudden jerk I was pushed into the back of my seat.Then came the sensation of the earth dropping away from underneath me, and the feeling of being forced up and out. There was a subtle sense of loss as I watched Christchurch disappear under the clouds.

We flew seemingly slow over the South Island and watched out the window as Mount Cook and the rest of the Southern Alps crested New Zealand’s all too familiar cloud layer and I couldn’t help but think of all the amazing people I’ve met and the stunningly beautiful places I’ve seen. Over the past few months we managed to build so many strong, meaningful relationships with so many good people. It is truly remarkable to me, the quality of friendship you can make with someone knowing that the time you will physically share with each other may only last a short while, while the relationship itself may last a lifetime. New Zealand was filled with personal and spiritual growth, self-realizations, and the confronting and facing of both known and unforeseen fears. She has forever changed my life and my perceptions of the world around me. She has shown me that there is always more to learn, and so much of yourself to share with the people in your life.

THANK YOU NEW ZEALAND

THANK YOU!!!

Thank you to all of our parents and families for an epic Christmas gift!!

We started in Queenstown and after three different rides made it to the trailhead of the Caples track near Glenorchy, NZ. We spent 4 days hiking through the awe-inspiring Southern Alps, past the Key Divide (where the three surrounding river valleys flow to the East, South, and West Coasts), to the only road leading to Milford Sound. We hitchhiked the last 36 km until the road ended and we camped in the glacier-carved fjord where the Tasman Sea carves its way into the mile high peaks. We awoke at 5:30 the next morning to find blue skies (a rarity in Milford where they get over 200 days of rain a year) and fresh snow on the tops of the massive mountains all around. We were picked up at 7:00 by our guide, and suited up for a day of sea kayaking in what could quite possibly be the most beautiful place on earth. We pushed off right as the sun began to rise above the glacier-filled peaks to the east, and with the sun at our backs began paddling west up the 16km fjord toward the Tasman Sea. The trip was filled with one beautiful waterfall after the next, seals swimming alongside, a game of chicken with the 150 meter (nearly 500ft.) high Stirling Falls, and feelings of insignificance as we stared up from the base of the stunning 1,692 meter high Mitre Peak (the largest vertical rise off the ocean in the world, over a mile). The trip ended with a boat ride back to the dock, a night in Te Anau, the second Lord of the Rings, and a long ride back to Queenstown. This trip would not have been possible without the generous contributions from our families. Thank you again, we love and miss you all.

Caples Track

Milford Sound kayak adventure.




Back home in Queenstown, just in time for the sunset.

Convergence: A Coming Together

We are circling, circling together
We are singing, singing our heartsong
This is family, this is unity
This is celebration, this is sacred

"I bend but do not break." -- Jean de la Fontaine

I often discover in my travels that the emotions I am having, though seemingly complex, can be very simply explained in one or two words. Before Convergence, the words Reluctance, Discomfort, Isolation, and FEAR were coming up a lot. Through the course of the event, I began to realize that nearly all of the causes of negativity in my life were reactions to my fearful emotions rather than conscious choices or external conditions. At the beginning of this trip I was feeling very uptight, resistant to every new experience, and fearful over every uncertainty. I was fighting a lot for a sense of identity, becoming very possessive over what was mine and what was not, and not actually feeling any better if things went my way. So I began urging myself to OPEN UP and allow new experiences to happen as they should. Since single words are so effective at explaining what is going on inside me, I often choose one-word affirmations or even short phrases as mantras to focus on during a particular time period. These mantras are like little goals, set to support me in my intentions of living a loving and joyful existence instead of dwelling on the struggle within. I find that I don't actually need the mantras very long, perhaps a few days to a week--just long enough to keep me moving positively through an issue until the next word strikes me. Here are some of the mantras I have used since this trip started:

 Manifest the soul
 Only the stillness in you can perceive the silence outside
 Another I is beginning
 The world was made to be free in
 Die to the past every moment
 Burn the maps and GO
 Compassion and Compromise
 Love is greater than Fear
 I would rather be me than anyone.
 Every little heartbeat, every little breath
  My body is a temple
 Expansion
 LET GO
 Cultivate
 There is no elsewhere
 Ease, lightness, balance
 Solidarity, trust, unity (oneness)
 Big YES
 Nothing is MINE
 Flexibility, Gentleness, Grace
 Speak your Truth
 Gratefulness
BE HERE NOW

By the time we reached Convergence, I was ready to speed up the gradual growth process and make a big leap forward.
One day at the festival, I was feeling a bit out of sorts, wandering aimlessly around, trying to decide which workshop to go to. Neal was at the Yoga posture clinic, learning how to perfect his positions, which sounded useful...Or there was Woolcrafting, where I could finally learn how to card and felt wool, which is so my bag, baby. Suddenly, I heard music coming from the Main Marquee. I instinctively followed the flowing rhythms inside and saw a small group of people dancing like nobody was watching. I stood at the entryway for just a moment...then without thinking I removed my shoes and coat and joined the dancers. Despite how much I love dancing (which is a lot), it is always a bit awkward at first to get comfortable moving freely in a public space. I was stepping back and forth and waving my arms in the air self-consciously, wondering if I had picked the right workshop after all, when I happened to glance behind myself and see a few more people standing uncertainly in the doorway. They looked as though all they wanted was
to take off all their clothes and let go, but they just didn't have the gumption. I felt for those people, and suddenly I decided that I wanted to show them just what a wonderful feeling it was to move with the needs of the body and nothing else. I wanted to welcome them into a loving and nonjudgmental space, so they could find their rhythm as well. And then I turned around and began to dance. I focused not on a certain style, but which part of my body needed moving. I stretched and twirled and bent down to the ground, pounding my feet into the earth with the drumbeat, arching my back, swaying my head. The music kept changing, getting faster and faster, sometimes becoming electronic and technical and other times sounding like guttural throat noises or jovial reed flutes. I experimented with how my body interpreted the sounds, sometimes jolting my body into one stiff position after another, other times jumping up and down with seemingly unlimited energy. Every once in awhile I would find myself dancing with someone else, and we would unconsciously mold our dance styles to complement one another's until the rhythms drew us elsewhere. The music urged us on, speeding up more, until we formed a huge chaotic frenzy of movement, unable to distinguish whose arms and legs were whose.  I have no idea what I looked like at this point, and I am fairly certain it would have been  quite comical out of context (or in context), but I also know that I felt
more alive than I had in a long time. My breath came hard and fast, and my blood was pumping life with every beat. I was like a ball of light, burning furiously... YES!! ...and then the music began to slow down...the beats became farther apart...the notes became deeper and more drawn out...we all made one big sweeping motion with our arms, and drew in a deep collective breath. WHEWWWwwww..... I was vaguely aware that where there had once been a small group of people, now the room was packed with bodies and pulsing energy almost visibly outward.We lay down. I was focused, centered, vibrating. I meditated, bringing the powerful energy into myself and sending it outward in waves of Love. I Opened Up.

We are circling, circling together
We are singing, singing our heartsong
This is family, this is unity
This is celebration, this is sacred

After my inspirational dance experience, I made the decision that I was going to say YES to any opportunity that came my way, ESPECIALLY if it evoked my fearfulness. It would be an experiment to see if my fears were actually doing me any good or just holding me back. I decided to keep up with it until I could fully act without fear. Don't worry, parents, no-fear doesn't mean no-sense, in fact it means pushing past irrationality into a place of truth. I started right away. I let go of everything, since nothing is really mine in the first place. I gave away possessions, I let people eat my food, I climbed the big rock, I let go of money's false security...and the list is continuing.

The last night of Convergence, I sat in the sauna for a very long time, focusing on the experiences of the past several days and preparing myself to rejoin the outside world. I sent out a prayer that my heart remain open, and I do my best to maintain these loving feelings in even the most challenging of times. I became comfortable with emptiness, with openness, with vulnerability, knowing that by doing so I was making room for Love
to enter in. I marveled at my power as a human being, and I wondered at what miracles would be available to me in my centered state, with so many wise and beautiful people around me to take comfort in. I vowed to speak my truth at all times, and also to continue looking for ways to love more.

Open Up, No Fear, Laid Bare, Power, Expansion, Lightness, Fullness, LOVE.
"The will of God will never take us where the grace of God cannot sustain us." --Peter Feddema

When I was ready, I walked outside naked under the moon, smiling, gasping, arms wide. I waded into the water, and I dove into the deep black darkness.